Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess