I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Guantanamo Bae
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want