When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You Might Also Like
definitely thought i鈥檇 be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
detective: this鈥檒l make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I鈥檓 gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there鈥檚 really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
kids these days don鈥檛 know but it鈥檚 mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you鈥檇 usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
馃ゴ
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Pass gas, not judgment.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
sorry but I鈥檓 allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀