I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear