*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Vodka burrito was a success
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
that wasn’t the question
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.