finally found a reasonable question
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Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together