after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.