[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Beards are a privilege, not a right
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song