1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.