The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
You Might Also Like
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
This took me a few seconds.. 😅