[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.