😂😂😂
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together