me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.