Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?