CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
how to have fun when you’re poor
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.