Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies