POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?