“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Twitter remains undefeated
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.