Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
You Might Also Like
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My sex drive has a dui
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.