I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
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Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.