DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Seek kebab; not attention
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
i wish i could marry a nap
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.