one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: