My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
good for her
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man