The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?