Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.