“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
what’s more important?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????