Eggs benadryl my favourite
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids