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me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
hackers play passwordle
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Lmao