I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.