Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton