AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
For the ones in the back.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.