[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism