A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Skills
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.