Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
You Might Also Like
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.