When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.