*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Last-minute gift idea!
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.