I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
This was a bad idea all around
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Seas the day!!!!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”