Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?