Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You Might Also Like
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The best plant holders?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.