Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.