The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.