Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
You Might Also Like
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Had to try this trend 😊
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
so weird how every mom was born today
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.