Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
my nickname in college
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.