putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Sing it!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.