If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
👾👾👾
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Don’t tell me what to do
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes