The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not