Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I didn’t realize that was an option
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.