These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Yup
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer