Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
repaired
Lol.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round