Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”